Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
You Might Also Like
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*