Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Fries, not lies.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no