Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
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H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so