[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
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MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises