8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
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Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Well, shit
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
This one’s “Alex”.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.