“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
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if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
i baked you a cake
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My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
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Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
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Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera