“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Feels
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
road rage
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!