I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
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My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.