[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
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Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria