I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
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I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Oh thanks BBC.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I鈥檓 not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Me: I swear you鈥檒l be the death of me
Murderer: lol
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn鈥檛 care
Don鈥檛 stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 馃槧
Today: I can’t get groceries. 馃槕
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”