dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
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Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
It’s actually Dr. whatever
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”