Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
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The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Can’t stop laughing
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Looking at you, Jesus.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery