Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
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Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
584.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.