My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
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So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Covid like
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
New mindset, who dis?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.