I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
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Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
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