I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
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me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Put my back out twerking in the library again
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much