My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
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My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
adam and eve had first world problems
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I have obtained a hat
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CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:![]()