No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
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Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.