I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
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Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for