Just me and my debit card against the world
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Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.