I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
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If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Does this dress make me look cat?
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Yup.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s