They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
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“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Mad Max Arctic Road
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?