A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
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*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
is this a threat
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….