My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
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Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
😏😏😏
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)