Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
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Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
found my next D&D character name
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
[later at the restaurant]
me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.