Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
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a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Me irl
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Well, this is awkward
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert