During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
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PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry