With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
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You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
pictures of spider-man
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light