date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
You Might Also Like
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
the composer
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Oh the world we live in…
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Best seat on the street 😍
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*