Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
You Might Also Like
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.