what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
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hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
me adding lol on a serious message
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice