I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
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[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Netflix: We have Less
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.