doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
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My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
sistine chapel
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!