Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
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a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I think this should do it.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.