To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
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I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
🤣🤣💀
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”