The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
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The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.