The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
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I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)