@MedusaOusa

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

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@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

@dougbies

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

@masiragz

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

@fro_vo

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

@Reverend_Scott

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

@Jimpetuous

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

@darinlovesbacon

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

@ch000ch

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence