Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
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[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv