@Rollinintheseat Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
@MedusaOusa Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
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@Rollinintheseat 
@dougbies Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
@masiragz covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
@fro_vo Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
@Reverend_Scott Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
@Jimpetuous *holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
@darinlovesbacon The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
@FatherWithTwins 4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
@aimlessamers Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
@ch000ch ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence