Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
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Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Sign at work today
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.