Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

You Might Also Like


Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”


Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back


covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers


Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then


Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.


*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*


The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother


4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.


ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence