Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
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I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
not seeing the problem
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.