911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
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WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.