It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
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There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today