Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
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looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
how to have fun when you’re poor
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.