A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Matt Goss
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
no such thing as a dumb question
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now