If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
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If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
What about a To-Don’t List?
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.