i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
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Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My plans: 2020:
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Generation gap…
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms