I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
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{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*