It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
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Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:![]()
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
At least try to make it slightly believable
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<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.