It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
How actors in movies eat their food
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
My neck my back my allergy attack
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
