Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
any last words?
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You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
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Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
The old gods are rising again.
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EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆![]()
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)