EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
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There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Plant care tips
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.