VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
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One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
The best shot in the history of golf
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work