Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
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It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Software Development ⛵️
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend