Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
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Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth