Attention children:
Mom is closed.
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All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
How it started How it’s going
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.