Attention children:
Mom is closed.
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ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
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What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys