My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
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Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.